The Dates of Wrath

This is in reply to Gaga’s list for guys, so go read that first. OK? Great.

I’m focusing on profile photographs here; we can talk about the minefield of writing clichés next time.

So here’s the thing. Your profile photographs are ultimately there to serve one (1) purpose: to convey your sexual attractiveness. At some level, your prospective mate is trying to answer this question: ‘do I want to rampantly bed this person, and also walk down the street with them afterwards without embarrassment, perhaps enjoying a handful of caramels?‘

Your pics are a limited resource, and you should use them to directly answer the question above. We’re talking about attracting men here, and men respond to visual cues. With that in mind, things to avoid:

1. Only one photo.
   A cardinal and oft-repeated sin, to be punished with extreme clicking of the trashcan icon. You don’t have to be Pythagoras to know that ANGLES ARE EVERYTHING.

   It takes at least two or three pictures before you have an idea of what someone actually looks like. If you don’t believe me, I recommend you print out and keep this demotivational poster handy.

2. Landscapes.
   Ah, the mystery of travel. Where exactly has this fair adventuring damsel been? Let us observe!
   
   

   Come and get it boys!

   
   Observe, there are NO FUCKING HUMANS in this picture. This picture has erased the concept of a boner from my brain.

   This is my time you’re wasting, it’s not an amateur photography class – take your ‘Mist sweeps over Taipei’and fuck off.

3. Only head shots.
   Maybe, it just so happens that your favourite pics are headshots. Maybe, you “only have time to upload a couple of pics,” and none of them feature your arms, legs or torso.

   Sorry, but a lack of body shots means one thing only: you are a big old fatty. Your photos are heavily cropped to hide the fact that you’re holding a cake in each hand, creamy filling squeezing out between your uncooked-sausage fingers.

   No ifs, no buts. Clearly there is nothing wrong with being large; the point here is that fatties must proudly own and declare their status, so that the honest, hard-working chubby chasers can locate them.

   Again, for reference: a guide to myspace photos.

4. Group shots.
   First, I don’t know you. I barely know what you look like (see ANGLES). Therefore, this pic is not helpful:
   
   

   Come and get it boys!

   
   I couldn’t pick you out of a line-up if my continued freedom from face-cancer depended on it.

   The other common way this backfires is the ‘fun’shot of you and your two friends out on the town. More precisely: your two, trouser-threateningly gorgeous friends showing off their eye-popping cleavage.

   Making yourself invisible or comparatively plain is not a winning strategy.

5. Pet-only shots.
   The following things are great: a picture of you cuddling your dog, you stroking your cat, you nestling a lucky hamster in your bosoms. However, one (or more!) shots of just your pet? No good. The drooling tongue-loll of your goggle-eyed fluffbeast does not make me want to go to bed with you.
6. Only having one expression, ever.
   Repeat after me: you are not an Andy Warhol piece! Candid laughing shots, pics of you pulling funny faces, or expressing any emotion besides ‘I am having my picture taken’– these things say, ‘fun to be around’.

   Your smile may be cute, but if you wheel out the exact same toothy rictus for every occasion, people will begin to doubt your humanity. Only botox addicts, sex robots and the emotionally dead have a single expression.

Stay sexy out there!