We’ve already started to round up the cardinal profile sins for both boys and girls.
That’s not nearly the whole story though by Jebus, ho ho no. Here are some more ways in which you can inadvertently jizz in your own chips. Figuratively speaking.
- Proving your adventurer credentials.
Remember, your pictures are there to prove you are HAWT. We don’t need your Doing Something Exotic shot to believe your life isn’t spent moulding a bum-shaped dent on the sofa.
Come and get it boys!
The offending shots here are normally:
- scuba diving – where you’re obscured by goggles, mask, wetsuit, bathysphere, passing cuttlefish
- skiing – where you’re muffled by arctic gear and snood
- sky diving – sporting a seductively wind-mangled visage of terror
- hanging off a camel – where invariably the stroke-faced sand-moose gets the most flattering angle
These pics just say, I have done a Fun Thing at least once in my life. Which is not terribly difficult to achieve. Is your sexual attractiveness conveyed? No. Into the FAIL bin with you.
- Looking for your previous relationship.
It’s a harsh truth loverbunny, but it’s time to face the fact that your last relationship is OVER. All your private jokes are gone, and all your cute coupley habits are a memory forevermore.For that reason, typing out specific scenarios such as the following just makes you look hungup on someone else:
I’m looking for someone who can stay awake with me till 4am on a weeknight laughing about nonsense. And then obviously complain with me the next day at work about how tired and ridiculous we are for staying awake till 4am. But then doing it again 2 nights later
Yeah, and would be nice if the person had hair the colour of burnished gold and called me ‘Grufflechops’ and MINDY I MISS YOU SO MUCH.
Cry me a river, hit your tear-stained Backspace key and move on.
If you need proof of this futility, go and rewatch the insightful documentary Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; the magic can never be recreated.
- Chronic imagination failure.
You have definitely seen this in profile headlines, viz.
Insert witty phrase here!
NOT WITTY. DULL. Trust me.
In these cases the first paragraph will often feature the whining teenagery of
I hate writing profiles!
and the baffled listlessness of
I never know what to write here!
You know what? Literally anything you could write, any fucking random string of words obtained by throwing a handful of caramels at your keyboard would be more interesting than that. Get off your lonely thesaurus-dodging arse and make something up.
- Profile cliches.
Strap in kids! It’s cliche time!- I’m looking for a partner in crime – (shout out to commenter LPizzy for highlighting this one). Like you’re some mischievous risk-merchant living your crazy life on the edge of Dangerville. Writing this makes you guilty of first-degree dullery but other than that you are the SAFEST PERSON ALIVE.
- You’re looking to start the next chapter in your life – This to me just screams misery. You want to put the sexless fumbling of your teens/mid-20s/late-20s behind you and meet someone who can unrealistically transform your life.
- I am equally comfortable in a dress as I am in jeans, or I am just as happy sipping cocktails as I am drinking in a dive bar – I hate this, HATE it. The bewildering spectrum of your X and Y interests! I am just as happy deleting your emails as I am blocking the living shit out of every trite IM you send my way.
- Culture cliches.
So many pitfalls here, beyond only liking the Dave Matthews Band.- I like pretty much all kinds of music except country and western or heavy metal – Just using the phrase ‘heavy metal’ shows you haven’t a fucking clue. This is a nonsense statement on every level.
- I enjoy having fun – Absolutely staggering. Without question the single most mindless thing I’ve ever had beamed into my eyes. “I enjoy pleasure…” “I try to avoid agonising pain wherever possible…”
- At the same time I love curling up on the sofa with a duvet and/or pyjamas and/or glass of wine – What are you, a python? A kitty cat? An athlete in the Winter Olympics?
Stay original folks! An ounce of originality beats a deluge of drivel.
I don’t know about YOU, Mr. Picky, but a guy who fully states that he tries to avoid agonizing pain whenever possible sounds like someone I have to meet!