Let’s take a closer look at a good first date I had recently, lest there be some vital lesson going unlearned.
In fact, let’s obsess over it. Dissect every glance, exchange and fleeting touch. JUST FOR A CHANGE, you understand.
The date
Unlike Gaga, I’m not going to refer to my dates’names by their occupations or we will rapidly end up Google hit #1 for WEB DESIGNER.
Instead, let’s call her Annie. That’s not anything like her name; I’m taking the same approach as those folk that name hurricanes, so we begin with ‘A’. And as a bonus, Agent Cooper would be interested in how things went.
Thanks to the wonder of OKCupid I had a few options to work with. Annie got to the top of my list by being cute, clever, funny (into Brit-comedy), playful and inventive with words. Also, I am not going to pretend that the email line, “I am a hobbit” had no effect on me.
First a couple of OKCupid emails, then the switch to GMail, WHAM BLAMMO! First date.
The location
As I’ve noted before, first dates must be kept to a monkey-proof level of simplicity, free from distractions or pitfalls. There is enough to worry about!
If you think staring blankly at a menu or sweating through a thirty-page wine list is a good way to spend the opening minutes of your date, then you are definitely still single.
We had emailed ideas for cosy lounge-type bars, discussed a few options and settled on Sample in Cobble Hill, Brooklyn. This was her territory, and totally new to me.
How I felt going in
Despite having not first-dated in a wee while (ah, relationships!), I felt confident going in to this one.
This was one of those luxurious times when – based on the emails you’ve pinged back and forth – you’re pretty sure that the conversational burden will easily be shared, rather than falling leaden on your shoulders. One of those times when the breezy levity of your combined chat fuels itself and you don’t have to strap on a forced, inviting grin.
A good match, in other words.
Scoring against me, I had committed a stupid, avoidable error by getting royally slaughtered the night before. Eyes black and heavy, mild nausea. Like a responsible soldier I took steps to recover, sucking down water like a stroke-faced sand-moose and retiring for a rejuvenating afternoon disco-nap. Annie was kind enough to bump back the start time by 30mins in most understanding fashion.
The first impression
For technical merit here I scored barely a 5 out of 10. Picture the scene: Sample has an amazing cubbyhole table by the front window. Cosy, private; very fucking difficult to see. My date waited patiently there and didn’t notice as I sailed past her – totally oblivious – and took a seat at a back table. Minutes pass. One confused text message later the stealth problem became apparent and I tracked her down, to the bemusement of the staff.
Embarrassing start? Potentially. Crucially though I chose to be amused rather than embarrassed. I highly recommend this practice at all times. With that in mind I kept smiling, made sure my voice stayed slow and measured and BOOM, as if it never happened. Recovery, 9 out of 10.
Annie was cute by candlelight. She opened a bit stiffly with the workhorse line so do you like your neighbourhood, but we very quickly got each other’s rhythm of talking.
The refreshments
Two cocktails for me; an uncharacteristic level of restraint given my official title. A nicely brain-sharpening gin-and-ginger delicacy with a decent kick, which my hungover brain used to restore equilibirum.
Sample have superb munchies, which I tore at in lieu of dinner (Annie was fed). Slabs of Humboldt Fog, pork loin slices, olives, marinated mushrooms, bread. Shakes averted.
The chat
Pretty smooth, good teamwork. We managed a bit of the sharp chat where you can pull references from earlier in the conversation, and form the beginnings of in-jokes.
Subjects I recall:
A note on anecdotes, beginning with an admission: I am often quite terrible at long anecdotes. I think I lose confidence that the other person is still interested. If the person isn’t kind enough to telegraph their continued interest, I start to lose it: the story veers off and I have to put it out of its misery.
When I embark on an untested, risky anecdote – and especially when I’m under pressure – the feeling in my mind is exactly, perfectly like stepping out onto thin ice.
Here I tried a family anecdote I’d never told before, which was doubly risky as it was so personal. Thankfully the ice held: Annie had also gone out on a limb and shared some family drama, so there was solidarity, and we bonded more.
People are like other people
From the second you look at someone’s photos, you begin to place them with references to people you already know. This occurs whether you know it or not; you are filing them away next to persons X and Y that they resemble.
What’s interesting is that your feelings are influenced by this. You like some people more, simply because they remind you of someone else.
For example, you’ll get a vaguely positive feeling about a date which you can’t put your finger on until email three, when suddenly – upon seeing their picture from a new angle – you realise that ZOMG this person looks EXACTLY like your first crush from high school. Or Winona Ryder circa 1989. And HOW did you not notice before?
In this case, Annie had mannerisms exactly like my friend Rosy. She would maintain a careful composure, until I pulled off something particularly amusing and her carefully unruffled visage would break abruptly into mischievous, adorable mirth.
The cheerio
At around 10.30pm my second glass emptied but I was feeling the fatigue. Rather than have the date stall and crash, I made an executive decision and called it a night.
We were both pleasantly flushed at our success, so after a short walk it was easy to forge the all-important goodbye.
This is always a collaboration. Ideally you need to be grateful, brief, undramatic, genuine, relaxed, and with a restrained expression of keenness. A hug and a short kiss on the mouth and before how nice that was was really registered we were on our way.
Learn ye this
- Choose your venue carefully. At least one person must have been there before. I fucked this one up once, let me tell you about it some time.
- Keep your cool. If something goes spectacularly tits up, find the humour in the situation. Don’t get embarrassed and if you have to apologise, do it once only.
- Don’t be hungover. If you are in tiny dehydrated pieces, courtesy says you must fix yourself as much as you can.
- A real truth: ask a lot of questions, and follow up the answers. Also, date #1 is not the time to try out new anecdotes.
- Quit while you’re ahead! Your only job is to get to date two, not stay out til 4am.
Excellent!!
What’s the correct interval between Dates ## 1 + 2?
eventually you should have seminars!
> wouldn’t have thought it possible from a human without a uterus
A good first date: Gaga’s Male Edition
Decent bird, couldn’t see if she had good tits hehe.
No shag! She sucked my face though LOL.