The Justin Bieber of my time
Confession: Despite my blue state voting record, sometimes I am a secret objectivist capitalist pig. In the hippie Keaton family of my heart, there rages an Alex P. My inner Alex P. loves Excel spreadsheets, hates European office hours, and subscribes to the “Getting Things Done” philosophy of work. If it takes less than two minutes to do something, you shouldn’t put it off; you should just check it off your list then and there. My Alex P. has served me well at work and in life in general. But replying quickly and setting up appointments on the spot may not quite work for dating. At least, that is what some of my girlfriends tell me.
“You need to wait a few days before you respond,” they say. “Don’t write back right away.”
Really? Why?
Who fucking has time for that? If I like you, I’ll say so. If I want to set up a date, the last thing I have time for in my life is to set a calendar reminder for later in the week so I can give guys ample time to let their bruised egos fan the flames of lust a little higher.
You need to be trained to want it? Then you don’t deserve it.
Despite my strong belief that I’m right in this matter, my track record of one boyfriend ever must mean that I am doing something wrong.
But how aggressive is too aggressive? Recently, I tried to set up a date with a guy we’ll call The Vegan. As previously stated, I like to pin down a date after the 2nd e-mail so things don’t fizzle because of a missing serial comma or split infinitive or whatever. I feel pretty sure that the Vegan will eventually be horrified at the amount of flesh I consume in my daily life, but I thought he was cute and I’ve got to get back into dating. (In fact, in a major faux pas, the first place I suggested for our date has the word “Meats” in its name.)
We were supposed to meet on Thursday, but I got a note that said he was sick and though he’s not usually a flake, he had to take a rain check. So I wrote back right away, suggesting a different time next week and…no response.
Was I too forward? Or was it the smell of mammalian byproduct emanating from my pores?
Related, for you busy people, how do you schedule being coy and unavailable into your busy life? That kind of shit takes energy and time that I don’t have.
Also related, does anyone want to be my personal dating assistant?
When I first got online, my brother was very insistent with me on this point–he didn’t say a few days, but a minimum of 24 hours. My reaction was the same as yours. Who could possibly be bothered? And why play hard to get? For most people, you’re impossible to get, but why hide your interest when it is provoked? I ignored the advice (he wasn’t the only one giving it, either). I’ve concluded the peanut gallery was correct, though. It’s stupid and sexist and inauthentic–and the cost of doing business. Promptness comes across as overeager in this context. As for how you get yourself to do it, you have to stop arguing the merits and just accept your fate. You remember it the same way you remember to pick up your laundry. That said, who knows whether this was the Vegan’s problem. Frankly, any guy who describes himself as not usually a flake probably doesn’t deserve a date with Gaga.
> work
I confess I am a huge Getting Things Done nerd as well. It’s the only way.
In this game in particular you definitely need some kind of strategy to avoid being overwhelmed.
> timing
This is a total non-issue for me. If a response comes back in two minutes or two days, that’s an interesting fact but it’s not going to put me off someone.
Content matters mind you. If the content is, ‘finally I have found my soulmate and my mother will have grandchildren’ then that’s another story.
I accept that some guys are going to be different from me and will view a rapid response as being over-eager (or something, I imagine). However, you should also accept that those guys are fucking idiots.
The pain of dating is that there are a hundred reasons why communication will just abruptly end. The timing of your response isn’t one that should worry you, in my view.
you have to wait. it’s not a game. it’s biology. men are hunters and women are gatherers. i like to think of it more as a dance. let the man take the lead. and most importantly. don’t have any notifications sent to you outside of the dating site. that way you can check it at your leisure, and you’re not on eggshells waiting to hear from the dude. also, if you don’t check it right away, there is more opportunity for more time to pass. and you won’t appear overeager without even trying.