The process of identifying your date happens in three stages:
- The handle.
When all is still a mystery. The sweet, innocent promise of cocklust99! Who knows what tenderness awaits behind the gruff façade of SHITBAG_42? And so on.
- First name terms.
Getting closer. The first couple of emails will involve a first name exchange (hi Danielle, hey there Bradley), optionally with a ‘that’s a pretty name’comment if sounding creepy gives you a boner.
- The leap to email.
Sooner or later you get sick of trying to type in the tiny, broken interface provided by match or chemistry and suggest breaking out into real-life email. 99% of the time this will mean an exchange of full names.
So you’ve graduated from IMing the mysterious ‘mm4u’to having a real life email address for Mindy Morkle, certified human. Now the temptation comes: do you look her up on facebook? Just for a peek?
The Facelook
Even in 2010, I’d guess most people don’t have a huge internet presence. Your potential partner has to be pretty nerdcore to show up significantly in the torrent of meh flowing along the superinfohighwaybahn (as us old-timers call it). Giving your date a firm googling is always tempting, but only pays off stalker-satisfying dividends when they have an internet footprint the size of Narnia.
The exception to this is of course facebook, the de facto standard network for anyone born before 1992 (which increasingly now spans multiple generations). Every bugger and their Dad has a facebook page, normally chock-full of personal detail and embarrassing images.
There are three ways in which facebook impacts your dating career.
1. Offense: the Facelook
Looking people up on facebook is not the same as googling, if you ask me. Googling seems more like actual stalking; you don’t know what randomness you’ll find, and a certain amount of detective work is required to find the right person among the synonyms.
I agree with Gaga that finding out personal details ahead of time is boring – it’s a cheap spoiler that just makes your initial chat less interesting. The facelook then is not for their shoe size and favourite colour, but just to get a better idea of what your date looks like. So we’re ignoring the ‘Info’tab and lunging straight for ‘Photos’.
Now this can work both ways, either positively or negatively. I am guilty of completely breaking contact with someone after witnessing the lurking horror in their facebook ‘Photos’section. This was admittedly back in the days before the strict ‘body shot required’rule – sure enough this girl’s dating profile was more creatively curated than the Guggenheim.
On the other hand, there’s a lady who frankly excited little but ambivalence in me until I took a peek at her FB photos. And lo, in contrast to the staid and static profile pics, in facebook-land she was 110% cuter and evidently more fun than a sack of drunk badgers.
The facelook is a valuable tool.
2. Defense: Privacy settings
Privacy: DOING IT WRONG
Facebook have
famously made it confusing and difficult to limit who sees your information. That’s tough cheese for you though: if you neglect this stuff it’s an open invitation for anyone to check out your albums.
Have a think, decide what you want to put out there and defensively stay on top of those settings.
I’ve fallen into the trap at least once. I recall briefly dating a journalist whose relentless gumshoe search for the truth led her to my relationship status, foolishly left public and for various reasons set to ‘in a relationship’(a drama generator we’re all familiar with). Having to explain yourself to strangers in these situations is unnerving and not recommended.
3. Strategy: to friend or not to friend
Achtung!
Once you’ve overcome all the pissing about, met your date and find yourself pleasantly surprised, then what? You may feel an immediate urge to friend them.
Care is required here. I recently had a near-perfect first date and was immediately struck that the girl and I were destined to be friends at the very least, and hopefully more if nothing went romantically pear-shaped. Surely a friending was the right thing to do?
No, and so far I’m still holding off.
Very early friending is somewhat akin to throwing a first date into a party with all your friends: a terrible idea. There’s an excess of exposure and expectation. It’s too much and too soon.
Secondly, there’s a certain weight or commitment to a friending. You’ve opened up a lot of information; invited that person into a social circle. Abruptly unfriending them again on date three because they farted at high volume during dinner is normally seen as rude.
Finally there’s the risk of being publicly embarrassed by someone you barely know. Do you want someone updating your Wall with,
great night kermit from your miss piggy hope you don’t smell like bacon LOL xoxo?
It’s a tough line to walk. You want to appear keen, rather than exhibit the kind of hands-off cageyness that just screams PLAYA. My advice, wait until you’re sure you’re dealing with a solid contact before reaching for the button. Could take three dates, could take ten.
4. Summary
- Go into your date with confidence: a quick facebook search can save all kinds of hassle.
- Don’t want people grubbing through your FB pics? Check your FB privacy settings and lock them down.
- On second thoughts check your privacy anyway. The muppet committee at facebook juggle the system every other week to keep you on your toes.
- No facebook friending until you’re confident this person will still be in your life in six months.
