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Your dating horror stories: Pius

February 22, 2010 by Air

Welcome to the first of our reader-submitted stories! We’ll hand straight over to our contributor (F, early 20s) to begin the tale.

Ok, so I still have my profile up on [DATING SITE]. I may just take it down, but when I first started dating [REDACTED], I figured I’d just leave it up there in case something goes sour. I did change my status from “Single” to “Seeing Someone” with no option of things being open.
Of course, sometimes people just don’t read my profile thoroughly (or much at all) and message me asking if I’m interested. Most of the time I send back a polite message saying that I’m with someone, but good luck on their search, or I don’t reply at all. I just try not to be rude.

Gaga: So I’m just going to start off by saying that if you still have your profile online, you still keeping yourself on the market, girl. Ain’t no thang, but I know you are hanging on to that receipt.
Air: It’s a difficult one, the transition from dating to relationship. You’ve been seeing someone for a few weeks: when is it time to nuke all your online profiles? You’re either burning bridges or being cagey.
Gaga: Good point. I think somebody has to bring it up. Esp. if you met online. “Um, honey, do you think it would be alright if you changed your status from ‘Bi-curious ski bunnies welcome 4 all night fun’ to something else?”
Air: And there’s the sad fact that the people who you most want to read your status, will NOT read your status.
Gaga: But this is an important point — NEVER CHANGE THE FACEBOOK DATING STATUS. Invites too many questions. That’s my opinion.
Air: Oh totally. From bitter experience I’ve got that set to ‘blank’ and only change it under extreme duress : )

However, since this one particular incident, I’ve taken to just ignoring any messages that come my way. Apparently, to this one person who messaged me, my saying ‘good luck’ had somehow translated to a declaration of love. Here’s the transcript of the emails (yes, I kept them: it’s too creepy/hilarious to delete!):

I am Pius. I am very interested in your profile. Would you give me a chance to know more about you better.
I am totally new to this Online dating and the reason why i joined the Online dating is to find a woman that can be the flesh of my flesh and the bone of my Bones,an honest and decent woman to mingle and tingle with cos a nice and honest lady deserves the best in his man….

Air: I think I see why he’s called Pius, this is some Old Testament bullshit we’re seeing here, “flesh of my flesh”?
Gaga: Whoa, pardner, go easy on the Bible sauce there, alright?

I am really a sincere and honest person.am caring,kind,friendlly very easy to get along with iam social,romantic,passionate,smart,intelligent,cool headed,adaptive,

Air: No mention of ‘literate’, I see.
Gaga: Oh cruel, cruel internet world, such a harsh place for such an earnest man.
Air: I suspect that sympathy will not last long…

have a big heart and i do believe insomeone that would rock her world with joy and happiness and cater for her despite all odds. A woman that can love me for whom i am and care for me,A woman that can give me affection,Emotional soar,Love,Care,and most important a woman to trust and to be trusted.

Air: Emotional soar, that sounds fucking amazing. Can i get some of that? I take it back about his atrocious writing.
Gaga: I seriously have no idea what he’s talking about.
Air: What, you mean as a woman you don’t know how to give Pius his emotional soar?
Gaga: Is that like a biblical STD?
Air: I think so, but it’s only soar until you apply the ointment.

Continue Reading »

Posted in bad dates, weird messages, your dating stories | 1 Comment »

5 more profile mistakes to avoid

February 19, 2010 by Air

We’ve already started to round up the cardinal profile sins for both boys and girls.

That’s not nearly the whole story though by Jebus, ho ho no. Here are some more ways in which you can inadvertently jizz in your own chips. Figuratively speaking.

  1. Proving your adventurer credentials.
    Remember, your pictures are there to prove you are HAWT. We don’t need your Doing Something Exotic shot to believe your life isn’t spent moulding a bum-shaped dent on the sofa.

    scuba fail

    Come and get it boys!

    The offending shots here are normally:

    • scuba diving – where you’re obscured by goggles, mask, wetsuit, bathysphere, passing cuttlefish
    • skiing – where you’re muffled by arctic gear and snood
    • sky diving – sporting a seductively wind-mangled visage of terror
    • hanging off a camel – where invariably the stroke-faced sand-moose gets the most flattering angle

    These pics just say, I have done a Fun Thing at least once in my life. Which is not terribly difficult to achieve. Is your sexual attractiveness conveyed? No. Into the FAIL bin with you.

  2. Looking for your previous relationship.
    It’s a harsh truth loverbunny, but it’s time to face the fact that your last relationship is OVER. All your private jokes are gone, and all your cute coupley habits are a memory forevermore.

    For that reason, typing out specific scenarios such as the following just makes you look hungup on someone else:

    I’m looking for someone who can stay awake with me till 4am on a weeknight laughing about nonsense. And then obviously complain with me the next day at work about how tired and ridiculous we are for staying awake till 4am. But then doing it again 2 nights later

    Yeah, and would be nice if the person had hair the colour of burnished gold and called me ‘Grufflechops’ and MINDY I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

    Cry me a river, hit your tear-stained Backspace key and move on.

    If you need proof of this futility, go and rewatch the insightful documentary Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; the magic can never be recreated.

  3. Chronic imagination failure.
    You have definitely seen this in profile headlines, viz.
    Insert witty phrase here!

    NOT WITTY. DULL. Trust me.

    In these cases the first paragraph will often feature the whining teenagery of

    I hate writing profiles!

    and the baffled listlessness of

    I never know what to write here!

    You know what? Literally anything you could write, any fucking random string of words obtained by throwing a handful of caramels at your keyboard would be more interesting than that. Get off your lonely thesaurus-dodging arse and make something up.

  4. Profile cliches.
    Strap in kids! It’s cliche time!

    • I’m looking for a partner in crime – (shout out to commenter LPizzy for highlighting this one). Like you’re some mischievous risk-merchant living your crazy life on the edge of Dangerville. Writing this makes you guilty of first-degree dullery but other than that you are the SAFEST PERSON ALIVE.
    • You’re looking to start the next chapter in your life – This to me just screams misery. You want to put the sexless fumbling of your teens/mid-20s/late-20s behind you and meet someone who can unrealistically transform your life.
    • I am equally comfortable in a dress as I am in jeans, or I am just as happy sipping cocktails as I am drinking in a dive bar – I hate this, HATE it. The bewildering spectrum of your X and Y interests! I am just as happy deleting your emails as I am blocking the living shit out of every trite IM you send my way.
  5. Culture cliches.
    So many pitfalls here, beyond only liking the Dave Matthews Band.

    • I like pretty much all kinds of music except country and western or heavy metal – Just using the phrase ‘heavy metal’ shows you haven’t a fucking clue. This is a nonsense statement on every level.
    • I enjoy having fun – Absolutely staggering. Without question the single most mindless thing I’ve ever had beamed into my eyes. “I enjoy pleasure…” “I try to avoid agonising pain wherever possible…”
    • At the same time I love curling up on the sofa with a duvet and/or pyjamas and/or glass of wine – What are you, a python? A kitty cat? An athlete in the Winter Olympics?

Stay original folks! An ounce of originality beats a deluge of drivel.

Posted in dating tips, online profiles | 1 Comment »

To facebook or not to facebook

February 7, 2010 by Air

The process of identifying your date happens in three stages:

  1. The handle.

    2. When all is still a mystery. The sweet, innocent promise of cocklust99! Who knows what tenderness awaits behind the gruff façade of SHITBAG_42? And so on.

  2. First name terms.

    3. Getting closer. The first couple of emails will involve a first name exchange (hi Danielle, hey there Bradley), optionally with a ‘that’s a pretty name’ comment if sounding creepy gives you a boner.

  3. The leap to email.

    4. Sooner or later you get sick of trying to type in the tiny, broken interface provided by match or chemistry and suggest breaking out into real-life email. 99% of the time this will mean an exchange of full names.

So you’ve graduated from IMing the mysterious ‘mm4u’ to having a real life email address for Mindy Morkle, certified human. Now the temptation comes: do you look her up on facebook? Just for a peek?

facebook searching

The Facelook


Even in 2010, I’d guess most people don’t have a huge internet presence. Your potential partner has to be pretty nerdcore to show up significantly in the torrent of meh flowing along the superinfohighwaybahn (as us old-timers call it). Giving your date a firm googling is always tempting, but only pays off stalker-satisfying dividends when they have an internet footprint the size of Narnia.

The exception to this is of course facebook, the de facto standard network for anyone born before 1992 (which increasingly now spans multiple generations). Every bugger and their Dad has a facebook page, normally chock-full of personal detail and embarrassing images.

There are three ways in which facebook impacts your dating career.

1. Offense: the Facelook

Looking people up on facebook is not the same as googling, if you ask me. Googling seems more like actual stalking; you don’t know what randomness you’ll find, and a certain amount of detective work is required to find the right person among the synonyms.

I agree with Gaga that finding out personal details ahead of time is boring – it’s a cheap spoiler that just makes your initial chat less interesting. The facelook then is not for their shoe size and favourite colour, but just to get a better idea of what your date looks like. So we’re ignoring the ‘Info’ tab and lunging straight for ‘Photos’.

Now this can work both ways, either positively or negatively. I am guilty of completely breaking contact with someone after witnessing the lurking horror in their facebook ‘Photos’ section. This was admittedly back in the days before the strict ‘body shot required’ rule – sure enough this girl’s dating profile was more creatively curated than the Guggenheim.

On the other hand, there’s a lady who frankly excited little but ambivalence in me until I took a peek at her FB photos. And lo, in contrast to the staid and static profile pics, in facebook-land she was 110% cuter and evidently more fun than a sack of drunk badgers.

The facelook is a valuable tool.

2. Defense: Privacy settings

Privacy: doing it wrong

Privacy: DOING IT WRONG


Facebook have famously made it confusing and difficult to limit who sees your information. That’s tough cheese for you though: if you neglect this stuff it’s an open invitation for anyone to check out your albums.

Have a think, decide what you want to put out there and defensively stay on top of those settings.

I’ve fallen into the trap at least once. I recall briefly dating a journalist whose relentless gumshoe search for the truth led her to my relationship status, foolishly left public and for various reasons set to ‘in a relationship’ (a drama generator we’re all familiar with). Having to explain yourself to strangers in these situations is unnerving and not recommended.

3. Strategy: to friend or not to friend

to friend or not to friend

Achtung!


Once you’ve overcome all the pissing about, met your date and find yourself pleasantly surprised, then what? You may feel an immediate urge to friend them.

Care is required here. I recently had a near-perfect first date and was immediately struck that the girl and I were destined to be friends at the very least, and hopefully more if nothing went romantically pear-shaped. Surely a friending was the right thing to do?

No, and so far I’m still holding off.

Very early friending is somewhat akin to throwing a first date into a party with all your friends: a terrible idea. There’s an excess of exposure and expectation. It’s too much and too soon.

Secondly, there’s a certain weight or commitment to a friending. You’ve opened up a lot of information; invited that person into a social circle. Abruptly unfriending them again on date three because they farted at high volume during dinner is normally seen as rude.

Finally there’s the risk of being publicly embarrassed by someone you barely know. Do you want someone updating your Wall with,
great night kermit from your miss piggy hope you don’t smell like bacon LOL xoxo?

It’s a tough line to walk. You want to appear keen, rather than exhibit the kind of hands-off cageyness that just screams PLAYA. My advice, wait until you’re sure you’re dealing with a solid contact before reaching for the button. Could take three dates, could take ten.

4. Summary

  • Go into your date with confidence: a quick facebook search can save all kinds of hassle.
  • Don’t want people grubbing through your FB pics? Check your FB privacy settings and lock them down.
  • On second thoughts check your privacy anyway. The muppet committee at facebook juggle the system every other week to keep you on your toes.
  • No facebook friending until you’re confident this person will still be in your life in six months.

Posted in good dates, online profiles | Leave a Comment »

5 great places for a first date, a response

February 4, 2010 by Air

This is in reply to Gaga’s super-helpful original post. Grokked that? Grand.

> Nail down a face-to-face date after no more than two e-mails

Absolutely agree on this one. The key word is MOMENTUM.

You and your date jointly have a steep hill to climb, which is the journey from being complete strangers to finally doing unspeakably nasty things to one another in darkened rooms.

Around about email #2, someone needs to be talking in frank terms about a face-to-face meeting. If you don’t, you will quickly lose all momentum and BLAMMO you’re back to dating Madame Palm and her five lovely daughters.

Keep the eyes on the prize people! Leave out the chatter about what you had for breakfast and focus.

> I say try and keep it short, the length of one cocktail

Maybe this makes me King Boozy Bukowski of the clan McAlcohol, but I like to keep it open-ended. If it’s a crashing disaster, by all means get out of there. But if you’re getting on, stick with it! You are infinitely more likely to experience the rare pleasure of the First Date Makeout (‘Snog’ for British readers) if you both have a pleasant 4-Mojito buzz on.

Caveat: obviously, going too far and getting pished is a bad idea. If you can no longer say the word ‘perpendicular’ clearly, it’s time for the check and a fond farewell.

> Also, I don’t believe in coffee

Amen sister, not for a first date. A pleasant and relaxed conversational demeanour is rarely cultivated when your jaw is clenching like an Ecstasy overdose and your heart rate is hammering 120bpm.

Only to be considered if you’re doing something ambitious that’s early in the day, before booze o’clock. You’d better know what you’re doing buddy.

> Angel’s Share

Totally lovely bar, but: make sure you only go on a weekday! Otherwise you have to stand in a cramped, waiter-bothering line making awkward conversation and sweating gently. Not ideal for a first date.

If you think it might be crowded head to B Flat in Tribeca: it’s owned by the same people. 10% less romantic but still great.

> Fat Cat Billiards

I guess we can testify that Saturday afternoon is a good time. Again for reference, shuffleboard: no sweating. Ping pong: get ready to glisten.

Next post I’ll let you know some of my favourites; in the meantime let us know your first-date gems at datesofwrathblog@gmail.com.

Posted in dating tips, good dates | Leave a Comment »

A life in words #1

February 2, 2010 by Air

Sometimes, online profiles give a little away, and afford you a glimpse into that person’s life. It’s easy to conjure their personal history; how their last relationship worked out; how their heart was broken. You get a flash of their prejudices, a hint of their anger or their insecurity.

Sometimes they’re just funny, often there’s poignancy, and a few times it’s both.

This is from Match (which may not be surprising). Strap on your special visor kids, it’s time to take a trip down to ALL-CAPS ISLAND:

I WANT HIM TO HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR ME, BE A GENTLEMAN, DOESN’T JUST THINK ABOUT THE OUTER APPEARANCE BUT THE INNER ALSO, AND HAS A SUPPORTIVE FAMILY

A solid and respectable start. We want someone who understands that personality is important, not just looks.

Evidently we also want someone with acute visual deafness, given that 99% of potential suitors are at this point reeling away from the screen in CAPS-LOCK agony, MY EYES…

Reading this is like watching a flashy-lights computer in a 1960s sci-fi film generate results, printing chunky caps onto an emerging ribbon of paper. Imagining the robot voice is optional but entertaining:

BE AFFECTIONATE, TALK KINDLY TO ME, DOESN’T CURSE LOT, HAS A BIG SENSE OF HUMOR

Now we see the first hints of a past relationship gone wrong. The resentful, sideways glances. The soft honeymoon words, now reduced to F-bombs and C-nukes. The stinging criticism.

ALWAYS HAVE MONEY WHEN WE’RE TOGETHER

Becoming more clear. The mean-spiritedness. “Sorry babe I left my wallet on the bus again, I will have a McAngus with everything and LARGE PEPSI HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO TELL YOU.”

Hear that whistling noise up above? Here come the bombshells:
Continue Reading »

Posted in online profiles, weird messages | Tagged , | 1 Comment »

6 things girls should avoid in their profile pics

February 1, 2010 by Air

This is in reply to Gaga’s list for guys, so go read that first. OK? Great.

I’m focusing on profile photographs here; we can talk about the minefield of writing clichés next time.

So here’s the thing. Your profile photographs are ultimately there to serve one (1) purpose: to convey your sexual attractiveness. At some level, your prospective mate is trying to answer this question: ‘do I want to rampantly bed this person, and also walk down the street with them afterwards without embarrassment, perhaps enjoying a handful of caramels?‘

Your pics are a limited resource, and you should use them to directly answer the question above. We’re talking about attracting men here, and men respond to visual cues. With that in mind, things to avoid:

  1. Only one photo.
    A cardinal and oft-repeated sin, to be punished with extreme clicking of the trashcan icon. You don’t have to be Pythagoras to know that ANGLES ARE EVERYTHING.

    It takes at least two or three pictures before you have an idea of what someone actually looks like. If you don’t believe me, I recommend you print out and keep this demotivational poster handy.

  2. Landscapes.
    Ah, the mystery of travel. Where exactly has this fair adventuring damsel been? Let us observe!
    Vietnam mist

    Come and get it boys!


    Observe, there are NO FUCKING HUMANS in this picture. This picture has erased the concept of a boner from my brain.

    This is my time you’re wasting, it’s not an amateur photography class – take your ‘Mist sweeps over Taipei’ and fuck off.

  3. Only head shots.
    Maybe, it just so happens that your favourite pics are headshots. Maybe, you “only have time to upload a couple of pics,” and none of them feature your arms, legs or torso.

    Sorry, but a lack of body shots means one thing only: you are a big old fatty. Your photos are heavily cropped to hide the fact that you’re holding a cake in each hand, creamy filling squeezing out between your uncooked-sausage fingers.

    No ifs, no buts. Clearly there is nothing wrong with being large; the point here is that fatties must proudly own and declare their status, so that the honest, hard-working chubby chasers can locate them.

    Again, for reference: a guide to myspace photos.

  4. Group shots.
    First, I don’t know you. I barely know what you look like (see ANGLES). Therefore, this pic is not helpful:

    Come and get it boys!


    I couldn’t pick you out of a line-up if my continued freedom from face-cancer depended on it.

    The other common way this backfires is the ‘fun’ shot of you and your two friends out on the town. More precisely: your two, trouser-threateningly gorgeous friends showing off their eye-popping cleavage.

    Making yourself invisible or comparatively plain is not a winning strategy.

  5. Pet-only shots.
    The following things are great: a picture of you cuddling your dog, you stroking your cat, you nestling a lucky hamster in your bosoms. However, one (or more!) shots of just your pet? No good. The drooling tongue-loll of your goggle-eyed fluffbeast does not make me want to go to bed with you.
  6. Only having one expression, ever.
    Repeat after me: you are not an Andy Warhol piece! Candid laughing shots, pics of you pulling funny faces, or expressing any emotion besides ‘I am having my picture taken’ – these things say, ‘fun to be around’.

    Your smile may be cute, but if you wheel out the exact same toothy rictus for every occasion, people will begin to doubt your humanity. Only botox addicts, sex robots and the emotionally dead have a single expression.

Stay sexy out there!

Posted in dating tips, online profiles | 4 Comments »

There’s something in the water

January 26, 2010 by Air

Something is going on today – I’ve received a string of sexually predatory emails from older women. I feel like there’s a pack of she-lions circling my apartment. Is everyone hungover from Burns Night? That can’t be it.

These all arrived in a few hours, with respective opening lines:

Oh my – you look and sound adorable!

A nice gentle start, innocent and a bit motherly. Isn’t this one of Dorothy’s lines from the Wizard of Oz? Followed by the more direct,

Hmmm. Witty and very f*&ng handsome! :)

10 out of 10 for sounding sincere. Her profile was a mass of profanity, most entertaining. Thank god she censored the F-bomb, my stars. Then on to,

Gracious me –aren’t you a sweet little thing. xx

Run awayyyyyyyyyy. Not sure I’m ready to be consumed by this lip-licking older lady. Lastly, my absolute favourite,

You’re adorable. We should have a drink or a cup of coffee or a handful of caramels.

A HANDFUL OF CARAMELS. I’m being seduced by Ron Burgundy!
This is getting adopted right now for the ultimate in seduction. “I will whisk you away to a fine confectioner, and we will eat handfuls of sweet, sweet caramels…”

Posted in bad dates | 2 Comments »

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